Monday, June 22, 2009

Always wanting to make things right

My husband can hold a grudge easily. It doesn't eat away at him or upset his day. I'm the opposite. If someone is upset with me for some reason, I have a hard time getting through the day without dwelling on it. I've always been this way. As a little girl, I would agonize if my parents were upset with me. My kids don't seem to get as upset when I'm angry at something that they did. I'm grateful that they don't let a momentary discord affect the whole day. Me? I have to do all I can to make things right. Sometimes, I discover that the other person may have never been a true friend.

Remember the bully situation on the block? Well, I used to be good friends with one of the mothers. After about a year of on and off wisecracks from her son, I finally spoke to "my friend" about the situation. I held off speaking to her for a long time. Maybe there was a part of me that knew she would turn against me. I guess I didn't want to shake up our friendship by bringing it to her attention in the first place. I hoped that she would want to work this out with me and maybe reach an arrangement where both boys can live amicably on the block. I didn't get into any kind of nasty screaming match or anything. All I did was try to discuss it with her. Now she acts like I don't exist. It hurts me that she doesn't value a friendship with me. I tried to reach out to her today by email. I have a feeling that she will ignore it. Why do I think that I have to be everyone's friend? I'm a 40 year old woman who gets hurt like I'm a 9 year old girl on the playground. I have always been the "sensitive one" in the family. Hopefully, that quality at least helps my poetry to bloom at times :)

My hubby jokes that he wishes I wouldn't take everything to heart. Looks like I always will.

31 comments:

Sissy said...

I know exactly how you feel. I do the same thing. I can't stand for someone to ignore me and act like I've done something wrong. People suck. I hope she responds to your email but if not, try to let it go. I'm sorry.

Jarmara Falconer said...

I know what you mean... I would feel the same.

Maternal Tales said...

There's nothing wrong with being sensitive - it's a fantastic quality - it's just that not everyone can be sensitive like you...you've done a brave thing with the e-mail but if she doesn't respond then at least you know that you've done everything you could...and try to let that fact make you not feel so bad xx

Mari said...

I would be feeling the same way. I also like to get along with everyone and it really bothers me when I can't. I think women tend to be this way more than men.

Momma Miller said...

I completely understand. I hate to upset anyone and I often beat myself up over things like this and wonder what I could have done differently (even if there was nothing better to do). Many today have lost the ability to communicate or confront. There's so much defensiveness in our society and very few are actually listening and HEARING when they're confronted.

I commend you for going to your neighbor in love and not in anger. I wish more of us had the courage and strength to do so even if the person we have to confront is too weak and defensive to invest in listening. Don't lose hope...she may come around. Maybe not today or even in 2009. But it very well may surprise you when it happens. Or maybe I'm just the optimist like that. ;)

~Shaye

pughy said...

You could be talking about me. My hubby calls me suoer sensitives, I know that I am. I always want to put things right.
I can say about your "friend " she was never a true friend. rue friends will always listen, always work with you and never ignore you.

Hang in there love. You are the good one in this not her. Your son will respect you.


Carol x

Jillien said...

Although painful, its a beautiful quality to have. It allows you to be genuine and empathetic because you are sensitive to the affects your moods or words may have on others.

kisatrtle said...

There is nothing wrong with being sensitive. The situation is touchy because it involves your children. Hopefully she will see that you are a good friend and reach out to you, but if she doesn't her loss.

G said...

Sometimes, no matter how careful you approach a given situation, it can still backfire.

All you can do is simple stand back up, brush off the dust and continue to do what you believe in.

Sabrina said...

I know...I had such a thin skin in the past...it can still be thin at times but I'm definitely growing more able to "agree to disagree" and/or simply let people go. It's not easy!!

aspen said...

I understand your sensitivity issue...I am the same way. NO matter what we wish, its always there. Sorry things ended as they did with the neighbor. Stand up, stay strong and it will all work out. Life goes on, even when the road is bumpy. Take care of you!

Joanne said...

I don't understand why being sensitive is so often criticized. I think sensitivity is a wonderful trait, one where you're tuned in closely to people and your surroundings, a trait that lets you feel, keeps you in touch. I'd so much rather be sensitive than not.

T Rex Mom said...

I hear you! My hubby and I are hypersensitive people. Sounds like you are too. It can complicate life. I've found I take friendships seriously. Some would way too seriously. And it hurts when it's not reciprocated.

If this woman cannot see that you are reaching out, she is not worth your efforts. Just realize it might take you a while to get over it.

Hang in there - we're here for support!

shabby girl said...

I'd be willing to bet that that quality is one of the things that drew him to you, right?
If everyone felt like you do, think how much nicer the world would be. And if that were the case, your son wouldn't be in his situation.
No apologies for being in the right.

Kim said...

I think that this quality is wonderful too. And I think that more of us share it than we know. Being sensitive always gets such a negative stigma from society but it truly is a beautiful thing. Shaune says the same to me - why do I take everything so personally, why do I get so worked up? I just say to him - that's who I am and I'm proud of it!!

Recently I've had to let go of a few relationships. Maybe they'll come back, maybe they won't. Some of these people are really close family and friends. But you know what Kelly - I ask myself a few gauging questions - was I being unreasonable? Did I do something intentionally to hurt this person? And if the answers to these questions are no then I know that I just have to move on. Most of the time people act lousy because of something that's going on with them. I know that if there's something I could do to fix the situation I would.
You are protecting your son in the best way you know how. It only makes you a wonderful mother.

Michelle said...

I'm not fully there, although I feel that too many things might be directed at me that aren't... Mister Man though is TOTALLY that way, and I worry for him. But I still have confrontation :)

But hopefully you can be happy with who you are and someday shrug off the mean people.

The Write Girl said...

Hey Septembermom,

I'm sorry to hear that. I understand how you feel. As long as you did all you can to reach out to others, you shouldn't feel bad. It's her loss if she doesn't have you as a friend. Try to move forward and hopefully those kids won't mess with your son anymore!!

Becca said...

Again, I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with these situations. You are such a sweet woman and you certainly don't deserve that sort of treatment. There is nothing wrong with being sensitive and wanting to make things right! It just shows what a great person you are. I hope things turn around here soon!

Sneaky Momma said...

I'm so sorry your feelings are hurt. I can be pretty sensitive like that, too. I'd rather be too sensitive that so calloused that I didn't feel anything, though. :(

Creativity!! said...

If we r sensitive some folks, directly digest us :) Rather, we should be Bold & brave enough to face any sorts of situation :D

I myself created a policy, i.e. Don't Care Policy[DCP] :D

Its hard to adopt, but gradually, any1 can adopt this policy :) About DCP, I had shared in one of the posts, u will find here ,http://www.rpsahana.blogspot.com/2008/09/shobhna.html

Caroline said...

Honestly, I would be hurt too... But in reality, what kind of friend is she? If she were a true friend, she would understand and even try to do something about the bullying. Your husband is right... There is a great book called "The Four Agreements" the 2nd agreement says "don't take anything personally." I know it's hard to let it go...but do your spirit a big favor and try. I bet you have other wonderful friends and family that support you...stick with those who really care.

Dan Felstead said...

Septembermom...
Just a blurb from a guy...."I discover that the other person may have never been a true friend." I think that your quote here is the key. There are times when we take it for granted that a person is a true friend but the truth comes out in times like this...if they are not there through the good times AND the bad times...they are just not the friend you thought they were. Friends argue but the closeness of the relationship keeps them drawn to each other through those times. Just my 2 cents worth!

Dan

Valerie said...

About the email you sent, remember this - if she doesn't reply it's her loss not yours. You have shown by writing it that you're a caring person, if she can't accept it, well, like I said, it's her loss.

Jenners said...

I am a strong believer that you cannot fundamentally change the person you are. You are a sensitive person and you always will be. It is what makes you you. And I would be hurt too -- I don't care what age you are. Who wants to be treated like they don't exist? The key is not to let this ruin your life or give it more power over you than it is worth.

Pegsy said...

I completely understand how you are feeling right now. I am very much the same way about relationships. Just this morning, there is something between my husband and I, but we can't talk it out because he's taking a course all day long. It's so hard for me to get on with my day when something is wrong like that. I hate how I let it affect the way I am with the kids and everything. Anyway, I'm rambling...

Remember that mom in my neighbourhood last year who I said turned into a bully herself? She was someone that I considered a "friend" as well. When she turned on me and my children because of her daughter's own deception, it was one of the hardest things I ever went through. It was such a slap in the face when I realized my attempts at friendship and understanding meant nothing to her. Praying for you during this time...

becomingkate said...

I'd be hurt too, but in the end, you did the right thing. She's raising her children to be bullies, and that is unacceptable.

Christy said...

Me...too!!! I have the same problems. I get so upset when someone doesn't want to be my friend or whatever. I wear my feelings on my shoulders, too. One more reason I am glad I found your blog. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who gets their feelings hurt. Well, now you know she is not a good friend. Better now than later.

Dani said...

Dang, I'm sorry things turned badly. I would have to say I'm the exact same way. So often I find myself dwelling on things like this- going over words in my mind of how to phrase things just right to make it better- or what I could have said before. But honestly, it's out of your hands now. The email and other efforts are all well and good, but it's all up to them. The best you can do is keep being a friend. Don't allow her coldness to make you cold too. Just go on acting as if nothing has changed. Ignore her snubs. Keep smiling to her. If she doesn't come around, you've done the best you can and in the process, I believe it keeps me happier. I haven't read all the comments thus far since there are so many so I don't know if someone else has come in with this perspective, but I hope it helps a little. I'm sorry she reacted so badly. As much as it hurts, let time pass and let it go. It would be her loss in the end.

Warren Baldwin said...

Kelly,
I was out of town when you posted this, so I'm just getting around to it now.

I haven't read all of the above comments, so I don't know if they touched on this yet. I think your former friend doesn't want to discuss this with you b/c she suspects there is truth to what you are saying. If she thought you were wrong, she would be glad to prove it. But, she knows she can't, so she would rather not discuss it. It is easier to treat you as an nonperson than to try to honor your friendship and discuss the issues like adults.

I'm sorry, but there is nothing you can do about it. She has her own struggles that has nothing to do with you. My guess is that if her son is a cannon in the neighborhood, he is a tank and steamroller at home. She can't control him at home, so she certainly can't in the neighborhood.

But, this woman values her ego and image more than she honors truth and the spiritual/emotional health of her son. She would rather live a lie. Sorry, but if I am correct in my hypothesis, there is nothing you can do with her.

You may not be able to help taking this to heart, but you may have to accept that there is nothing you can do.

Now, I will read the next post you made about this.

wb

Gerri said...

Hey, that's you and that's ok. You are sensitive and that's what makes you a great person. I pray that she sees that in you and learns some compassion through this experience. Hopefully, that compassion, in turn, will be learned by her son. :)

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