Monday, July 25, 2011

Feeling the loss of you in the everyday; striving to connect with you in the silence

I can imagine your gentle eyes focusing on the boys' chess moves as they sit across from me now.  I wish they knew you.  I can imagine my daughter's eyes lighting up when you would compliment her latest outfit.  I wish she knew your hugs.

Has it really been 11 years since your generous laugh faded into memory?

The other night, I closed my eyes real tight like I was 9 years old trying so hard to visualize you in my mind.  I don't want it to be difficult to get the real you back in my mind.  Why can't I look at photos still even after all these years?  I like to stop and think though of what you would say about something I read or something I wrote.

I miss you Daddy. I always will. I'll keep reaching for your hand.  Some days I feel so little and vulnerable. A dad's hug would make it so much better.

Happy Birthday in Heaven.  Love to think that you're having one of your favorites, chocolate donuts.

26 comments:

septembermom said...

Hi friends. I hope that I didn't come across too down in this post. It was one of my spontaneous flowing of emotions kind of posts. Nothing planned. It kind of just fell out of me (like my second child LOL) Love you all. hope to visit you soon - Kelly

Mari said...

11 years - so long and yet times seems to fly. My Mom has been gone 8 years and I have many of the same feelings as you do.

Kim said...

You have NOTHING, I mean NOTHING to apologize for my dear friend. I loved this post so much. It released some tears that I needed to release. I'm so incredibly sorry that you lost your Dad, I know through your writing what a special person he was and I know that even though the kids didn't know him they will through you. I love how raw and honest this post is. Thank you for sharing your heart.

shabby girl said...

A friend & I were emailing just today, her mother died one year ago today & my mother exactly one month later, about those feelings that just don't seem to go away.

I had mentioned the fact that a year later is actually harder for me than it was that day. Miss her so!

Great big hugs Kelly!

Kim said...

I also wanted to say that the part of blogging that has touched me, impacted me the most is the real stuff. It's a privilege to read someone's true emotions. THe other stuff is fun, but this is your space, it should reflect you. I'm so grateful that you share with us like this sometimes.

Diane said...

It was in you and needed to come out. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Hugs friend. :O)

Gail Dixon (Louisiana Belle) said...

Oh, Kelly, it was a beautiful letter to your father. I'm so glad you were able to express yourself like that. I can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I can see myself writing something similar when my mom passes. Hugs to you!

T Rex Mom said...

Reading this made my heart ache for you. Go enjoy a chocolate doughnut and toast him.

Valerie said...

It was beautiful, Kelly. No reason to apologise for sharing it. My Dad was aged a mere 54 when he died, so long ago but I think of him still with love.

Ginger Jasper said...

I know just how you feel and sometimes it just helps to say it aloud.. Hugs Carol and GJ xx

Caitlin said...

I am so sorry for you loss, even if it was a while ago. A daughter and her Daddy have a special bond.
Beautiful words though.
I'm with Trex mom- go get a chocolate donut in his honor!

welcome to my world of poetry said...

I can relate to this, I didn't know my dad he died when I was three but my mother and husband passed away within 2 months 13 years ago and when life seem a little over whelming a hug would mean so much.
Thanks for sharing.
Yvonne.

Penny said...

Praying for you. It's gotta be hard to lose a loved parent.

Teresha@Marlie and Me said...

Tears sprung in my eyes, but in a happy way I promise. It moves me to see such love and tenderness. You did a good thing here. Happy birthday to your beloved dad.

the wild magnolia said...

There is a country song out with the words "if heaven weren't so far away, I'd pack up a go for the day." Or something like.

Complete understanding comes for those who have loved ones in heaven.

Blessings.

I Wonder Wye said...

This is lovely - makes me want to hug my dad and send a ((hug)) to you as well...doesn't seem to matter how much time goes by when you're missing a loved one...

He & Me + 3 said...

I can only imagine how you feel. Beautiful writing...i am sure he enjoyed a donut on his special day in heaven. ((hugs))

Randi said...

I first read this yesterday but had to go away and come back and read it again today--it was too emotional for me the first time. I lost my mother 10 years ago and my feelings about her are much the same as the feelings you express here for your father. Powerful post.

khushi said...

It doesn't matter how many years go by, for those whom we love and are gone ahead time stands still, memories stay fresh and it is good to remember them and express our love...I'm sure it makes them happier. I've lost two people I loved so much...my husband and my Daddy...I still miss them, cry at times...and remember them with love.

sol said...

time never heals the wound of a lost loved one...
i feel you kelly

Gerri said...

Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. I know we lost our fathers from the same incidious disease. My father will have been gone from this earth 20 years this coming November. Your words really hit home as they are exactly the things I think about when I think about my dad. I have missed him everyday of the last 19 1/2 years. It took me a long time to look at the pictures also but eventually that got easier too. My heart goes out to you my beautiful online friend. Thank you so much for your beautiful words.

kisatrtle said...

Hugs

The Write Girl said...

What a heartfelt post about your dad. So touching and sweet!! This pulls at my heart for sure. I'm positive your dad knows how much you mean to him and I'm sure he's beaming about this post. Your words are fantastic and beautiful!!

Michelle said...

Awww! That's so sweet. You're making me cry now. *hugs* to you.

Gerri said...

Bless you Kelly. Thanks for trusting us with your vulnerability. Much love. ;)

Jenners said...

This was so lovely and touching. Thank you for sharing.