Sunday, March 6, 2011

Worn down

On Friday, a mistrial was declared. After days and days of intense debate surrounding a manslaughter charge, we had to hang our heads low and report that we could not come to a unanimous agreement. For those five days, I tried to help the two stubborn jurors see the recklessness of the defendant's acts that led to a young man's death. I felt compelled to fight for justice when I saw how those 2 jurors refused to engage in discussion and consider the evidence seriously as human beings. My heart aches for the victim and his family. I feel so raw and hollow inside these past two days. I never expected this kind of grief to hit me with such power. Many of us cried in the open courtroom. I find it hard to even talk about the whole process right now. I guess all those hours of passionate appeals to those stubborn jurors have taken a toll on me. I'm having trouble trying to purge all those feelings and arguments out of my head. I worry that justice will not happen in this case when another trial begins in the fall. Second to my father's illness and death, this has been a spiritually, physically and emotionally exhausting experience. I'm glad that I fought with all of my being to voice what I believed was right. I'm frustrated because those 2 men closed their minds even after many of us presented arguments based on the facts, the law, and the call of humanity to value all life. I don't even know if my words are sufficient here.

I'm trying to get into my normal routine again. I need to turn my mind away from these past 4 weeks for awhile. I have to revisit what all this meant in my life at another time. I pray for justice. I pray for the victim's family. I pray for me.

My kids couldn't understand why I cried when I came home on Friday evening. I couldn't even verbalize anything to them.

I will be visiting you all later on today. You bring the sunshine that I need.

32 comments:

Vicky said...

I'm so PROUD of you! What a daunting and draining experience. You gave that victim a voice, a voice he can't use himself and you should be so proud of doing that for him! Don't let the actions of one or two, hold you back from feeling the honor of what YOU did-serving so heroically, and passionately. xoxo

Ginger Jasper said...

I so feel for you, after all the torment and heartache for there not to be a proper verdict is so hard for you. I also pray that when the next trial is done there will be the correct verdict and therefor closure. Please take time to recharge your batteries, to take in the love of your family and hopefully to find a little peace for your mind.... You did your very best and remember that.. Hugs Carol and GJ xx

the wild magnolia said...

I wish for you a soft spring wind
to blow through your mind
and spirit the scent of spring mown grasses
and dripping orange marigolds!

I feel your frustration and the senselessness of closed minds and injustice.

Good job! I am proud of you!

Blessings and a ((hug)).

shabby girl said...

You brought tears to my eyes. I could feel your heavy heart. I'll pray for you too.
I imagine that this will be a learning experience for your kids. Once you're able to talk about it, they'll not only get the lesson of right and wrong, but also a deeo glimpse inside the heart of their mama.

Christy said...

I, too, am proud of you. I hope that you get some much needed rest. I will be praying for you to work this out in your heart and mind. I hope one day you will be able to share with your children, so they can understand. Hugs.

Kim said...

Wow, Kelly, what a draining experience. It sounds like you did all that you could. I trully believe that counts for something. I can understand the toll this must have taken and the emptiness you feel that your words seem inadequate to express what it's done to your psyche. Times like this you need to accept everything you are feeling. God works in complicated ways to teach us things we are ready to learn. You are ready to learn this whatever it is. I hope you can find some peace soon my dear, dear friend. I hope you find some solace in writing. I personally think you have written so well about this experience. My heart aches for the victim's family and also for you. People are so blessed to have you in their lives - your kind gentle soul. I know I am. A million hugs!

Herb of Grace said...

Aww... I'm so sorry. I honestly never realized how difficult it would be to do jury duty on some major crime like that. Gives me a new perspective on that part of civic duty. And thanks, for doing your part, even thought it was tough.

Ken Devine said...

What you have written gives a very clear picture of the frustration you've had during your jury service. Like Herb of Grace, I had no idea how difficult it is to be involved in such an important case.
It sounded as if they needed just two more people like you for justice to have been done.
You did your best and that will have been considerable...so hold your head high Kelly and be thankful you are not of the nature of the two men.

Welcome back, we've missed you.

#1Nana said...

Kelly,
I hope the time with your family and following your regular routine has brought some peace back into your life. You did what you could for justice, now you have to trust that the universe will resolve the issue. It really does all work out in the end. You can be proud that you did your job.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

You came through the four weeks with flying colours. Try and distance yourself from it , hard though that will be, My late husband did jury service and he was exhausted afterwards.
Relax and take care.
Yvonne.

kisatrtle said...

all things happen for a reason. You will come through this my friend and be stronger.

T Rex Mom said...

Oh my goodness, all that hard work and no resolution. Frustrating for you and the victim's family, I'm sure.

I am proud of your service.

My mom served on a very high profile case in our state a few years back. She mentioned how emotionally taxing it was but it did not involve anyone's life. I am glad she was spared from that.

Well, at least you get a break from it for a couple of years, right.

Glad you're back.

allenaim photography and design said...

What a horrible, hard place to be...I'm sorry that they wouldn't listen....I applaud your efforts and am sending you cheer and hope...

Diane said...

What an experience! So sad! If you haven't already and when you are feeling better you should watch 12 Angry Men. It is an old black and white about a jury.

Mari said...

I'm sorry you had to go through this and have it end in this way. Good for you for refusing to give in though.
Hope you have been able to relax a bit this weekend.

Jenners said...

I'm so proud of your for speaking your mind and standing up for what is right and what you believe in. I'm so sorry that you had to serve with such ignorant, close-minded people and that all your time and hard work led to a mistrial. This has got to be frustrating and emotionally taxing.

However, it makes me feel good about the jury system in some ways that you and many of your fellow jurors were so committed and involved to the process. I hope you can work through your emotions related to this and put them behind you and go on. It sounds just brutal. Hugs to you.

Linda Myers said...

Thank you so much for your service to the community, regardless of the outcome.

Analisa said...

No man ever escapes justice. Don't leave God out. Justice will come. Even in court we don't always get the full picture. Trust God with the whole thing and pray for a return to peace.

May the Lord bless you and give you peace.

The Write Girl said...

I am sorry to hear that you are going through. I look forward to reading your wonderful writing and your amazing personality. God bless you Septembermom and I wish you happiness and peace.

Raj said...

While "this has been a spiritually, physically and emotionally exhausting experience" Kelly, am sure something will take root within, given also the good wishes of friends.

Valerie said...

Jury duty is not easy to cope with at the best of times but to have stubborn jurors on board makes it even worse. I wondered if a majority verdict would have been possible. But it's out of your hands now, your main priority is to rest your mind, concentrate on your family and be thankful that you have a normal one that will help pull you back to reality. Lots of Hugs for a brave girl xo

glnroz said...

You should be proud of yourself,, I am. I worry about our society in the fact that it seems some folks do not believe in following the law (rules), but we must continue to fight for what is right. good job,,,

glnroz said...

You should be proud of yourself,, I am. I worry about our society in the fact that it seems some folks do not believe in following the law (rules), but we must continue to fight for what is right. good job,,,

Louisiana Belle said...

I commend you for fighting the good fight. Sounds like a draining ordeal, you poor thing. Hopefully the next jury will see the light unanimously. You obviously care deeply about justice; sadly, there aren't many left who care enough to put their heart and soul into it. Be very proud.

Gerri said...

Wow, this sounds like it has taken a lot out of you. I am agreeing with you that justice prevails and that you have peace no matter what...blessings my friend. ;)

Teresha@Marlie and Me said...

This is why I never ever want a jury trial. I am so sorry the experience left you spent. I hope you take some time to regroup.

Cynthia L. H. said...

Thinking of you and sending warm spring thoughts with hugs your way....

Warren Baldwin said...

I can't imagine the intensity of such an experience. But congratulations to you for standing strong and holding to your convictions. And for trying to see that justice is done! Even though it didn't turn out as you hoped (and as it should have), take comfort knowing you did all you can do.

Juries are the LAST stand we have for our freedoms and for the defense of of our Christian values in the public domain. Thanks for standing up for them.

Warren

Charlotte (Life's a Charm!) said...

I'm sorry to know about this frustrating experience. I hope that the case will be resolved the next time, and most especially that it will be resolved how YOU see fitting.

Nina P. said...

You did what you were meant to do. You fought for justice and what was/is legally and morally right. We can not control another human being. All we can do is let our thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and reasoning known. You may not have been able to sway their decision (one they have to live with for the rest of their lives) but you made your voice heard. They had no choice but to hear... even if you feel they did not... they did... know that what you said was heard at some level by everyone... telling your Truth is all you can do... the rest is out of your control. You can not control another, only yourself and your actions/re-actions. You have choices now that this experience has given you... Be that voice for victims... be that voice for yourself and others... Be that voice that may seem to sit in silence but works on the spirit and souls of others... Spread your Light... let it shine... as you did in that jury room and as you are here... Change can happen... one person at a time...
You planted seeds that can never be taken away... some day in their journey, your words will come back and they will be glad they heard them.
Blessings to you and yours. Be good to yourself today and always.
Love and Light,
Nina P

Judy Croome said...

Gosh, what an experience Kelly. I don't think jury duty is something I could do - like you, I'd get too emotionally involved and it woudl be too draining. But you did you best for the victim and his family, and those two men made their choices and must live with it.

Have you seen the movie "Twelve Angry Men" with Gregory Peck? It's an old one about jury duty - a fascinating insight into perception and psychology. If you can find it, watch it! It might help you come to terms with this traumatic experience.

(((BIG HUGS)))
Judy (South Africa)

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Thank you very much for you fantastic visit and the wonderful comments you made, It makes it all worth while so thanks once again and I hope your life soon gets back on an even keel after your Jury service.
Yvonne.