Saturday, May 21, 2011

10:15 PM on Saturday

The sounds that surround me right now...

dishwasher hum

fast talking news reporter

snoring

Norah Jones following me on my MP3 player as I wipe down the counters.

I feel anxious now. An unidentified "need" starts to overwhelm me around this same time each evening. There is a voice way back in me that is saying something that I need to hear. A preoccupied mind doesn't let that voice emerge. The hours of my day are on a train with other stops. I want to pry open a window in my mind and feel at ease again.

My husband has called me the Queen of Optimism. I try to fill my head with positivity all day. But around 10:15 on any evening, I feel kind of "Kelly" lost. When I finally lay down to relax, I'm unsettled. I wish that I could say it was my Muse nudging a story out of me. It's something else. I go, go, go all day. When I stop for me, I'm not sure how to take care of this ache in me. I know that my family wouldn't get what I'm feeling, but I'm hoping that some of you do. Does this rambling make any sense?

I have an early day tomorrow and I better shuffle off to the next task. Time to add one more sound to my evening list: the washing machine. Well, Robert Plant is singing "Since I've Been Lovin' You" on my player now. That song could chase away my unease. It's worth a try. (Another vlog coming soon! I like chatting with you guys that way. Any topic ideas?)

21 comments:

T Rex Mom said...

I can understand that after a full day of taking care of the family and being optimistic for everyone, it can take its toll. I often melt at this time of night. But I just know you are a woman of steel and that's how you do it.

By the way, it's about that time here and I, too, hear the dishwasher humming. I hope tomorrow is a good day for you. And that you get lots of rest tonight.

Enjoy that music.

#1Nana said...

Sometimes you can hear the message if you can quiet all the other distractions. The challenge is to find that time for yourself without the burden of all the other thins that you have to do. Take some time for yourself...make the time. When you can listen, you'll hear what you need to hear.

Valerie said...

I agree with 1Nana, you need time for yourself, time to unwind and free your head of all the domestic clutter. It's not an impossible task, why not try it?

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Enjoyed reading, we all need time for ourselves and we feel all the better for it however much we love the fanily we need our space.

Have a good Sunday.
Yvonne.

kisatrtle said...

It is hard to unclutter our minds. I would lilke o see a vlog about the wayba story develops for you. Do u just start writting or do u plan it out start to finish

shabby girl said...

Oh yeah, I know that feeling! It's usually either I'm not being true to myself or, more often, I have not fed my creativity in too long. I swear, it HAS to come out.

the wild magnolia said...

I "think" possibly you are tired and in the subconscious mind the floating creative and other- worldly things of spirit want to be expressed. Other loves and interests of yours take second place, and catch as can, as the gift of children take first place.

I "think" too, it is normal to be a bit restless, normal for the artistic creative soul.

Take care of you as the special person you are, giving us encouragement, and creative example.

Thank you so much for caring and having such a big heart!

Ken Devine said...

Counting my blessings one at a time usually puts me at ease by the time I get past the normal ones and into the 30's. Nora is too tiring when you are already tired...I prefer her when I still have energy.
I'd like to see a vlog without audible words. See if you can convey moods matching those written on a card you are holding, by your facial expressions. Make sure you end with a warm smile.

Diane said...

It sounds like you do a lot of "pouring out" into others and are drained by the end of the day. Do you have a way to fill back up??? :O)

Herb of Grace said...

1) I love NOrah Jones :)

2) I do the same thing, but for me it starts around 5 or 6 every evening and is faded and gone by the time kids are in bed and peace descends...

The Write Girl said...

Hi Septembermom,

I'm sorry to hear you have that let down at night. Supporting a family and remaining optimistic and upbeat can take it's toll. You probably just need to restore and recharge. Sleep will certainly help that. Have you considered getting together with girlfriends and just having a spa outing or something? I know you are super busy but if you make a little time for you, you may feel better. I hope you have an amazing week!!

Susan Fobes said...

I think everyone feels like this, especially when you have kids and others needing you all day long. (I get testy right around the kids bed time because that's my time they are infringing on, and a part of me feels guilty about feeling this way...)

Donna B said...

Oh yes, I can relate. I know exactly what you are talking about. When I was raising my family, after the dishes were done, the house tidied up, and everyone was in bed.... I would take a shower, make myself a cup of tea, and sit and write in my journal. I could write down my dreams and get things off my chest. I could pin point issues bothering me and set a course on how I would resolve it.

I also appeased my frustrations at putting my dreams on hold, because I put my family first, as you are doing, by reading books like WOMEN WHO RUN WITH WOLVES, SIMPLE ABUNDANCE, THE BIBLE and GIFT OF THE SEA... It helped me to read and be inspired by other women before me who raised their families and accomplished their dreams...

You have such a support network by blogging...there are wonderful, wise and talented women out there to brainstorm and converse with.

HUGS to you...

Gerri said...

Sounds like you need some restoration time...I pray you get some really soon my friend. Much love!

Louisiana Belle said...

Kelly, I love reading your thoughts because you are so honest. Whenever I get those "uneasy" or unsettling feelings, I pray...or try to. Sometimes it's hard to form words. But I try. Usually, I do feel better.

Robert Plant singing Since I've Been Loving You--be still my heart! Btw, I almost used Norah Jones' song Shoot The Moon for my slideshow last week!

Hope you are feeling better. *hugs*

Caitlin said...

Yep! That is me too! I have been trying to go to bed earlier, just so that I don't have to face that unsettled, empty, who am I? feeling. Things always look brighter in the morning!

Kelly L said...

Hi - I am asking for fellow bloggers to visit my site in hopes that we can find a match for a young girl that desperately needs a bone marrow transplant. Would be great if you could visit today too. Thank you. Kelly
http://ivebecomemymother.blogspot.com/2011/05/help-save-child-urgent-request.html
I've Become My Mother
I've Become My Mother facebook

Randi said...

Kelly, I know just the feeling--a vague uneasiness that says something must change, but you don't know what needs to change or even why. Here's a poem by Carol Lynn Pearson that I thought might resonate:

Drama in two acts

I dim
I dim
I have no doubt
If someone blew–
I would go out.

I did not.
I must be brighter
Than I thought.

khushi said...

Thank you for writing this. I can relate to it and just going through it was so liberating. All along I felt I was alone in this. It makes it better to know there's nothing wrong with me...perhaps I'm more right.

Kim said...

I do get that aching. Sometimes I think it's an urge to write but sometimes it's just the me that is forgotten wanting a few minutes. I think this must be the case amplified a hundred times for you, with all that you do all day. I love this post Kel!

Jenners said...

I know that ache. I feel it on a regular basis actually. And it does usually hit at night, when I'm done doing all the busy work, and then it hits you. Sometimes it will keep me up all night but most times, I just fall asleep and let it go.